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Lutra's Sorrow- A Redwall/Pearls of Lutra oneshot

Author's Notes: I don't own Grath or any circumstances from Pearls of Lutra, they're property of the late, great, Brian Jacques. Evanescence owns "My Immortal." I wanted to do a piece from Grath's POV, a scene from Pearls the reader never got to see, at least, my version of what I think happened then: when she was inside the holt saying goodbye to her family. I always saw her in my mind as the youngest daughter.

Warning: This songfic/oneshot contains an aborted suicide attempt.

I knelt between the bodies of my mother and eldest sister, holding my father's broadsword in my shaking paws. A surprise attack had caught my family unawares. Unable to look up at the shrouded bodies around me, I kept my gaze focused on the blade. Because of wavescum, I was the sole survivor.

" 'Survivor.' " I laughed darkly. Why would anybeast say I survived? My life was over the moment it ended for my family. What in Hellgates is this?! Some twisted idea of fate? It's pure torture to have to exist like this! I'm tired. More tired than any beast could ever imagine.


I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light.

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.

Your face - it haunts my once pleasant dreams.

Your voice - it chased away all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal.

This pain is just too real.

There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

But though you're still with me,

I've been alone all along.


I can't get past the shock; I'm not sure if I should be crying, screaming, or moving on. None of them seem very productive. They won't get me anywhere.

My gaze turned to a blanket-shrouded form near the cave entrance. Lutra, my father. . . . I'd found him with two arrows in his back, he'd fought to his last breath to defend our family.

It's then that the tears finally come, cascading down my cheeks to fall on my tunic, hot, burning, and relentless. I bared my teeth, loathing myself for my weakness.

Tears cost my family their lives, tears won't get rid of the pain I'm feeling or bring them back. Nothing will. . .

Wait. I know one way to get rid of the pain. . . . Without even needing to think about it, the blade was suddenly at my throat, ready to slice. I closed my eyes, my breathing quickening slightly.

The faces of my family dance in my head. 'I can join them; it will be so easy. One stroke, one brief moment of agony as the life saps out of my body, and it will all be over . . .'

My paw tightened around the hilt, pressing the blade closer. . . There was a sting of pain and a thin trickle of blood made its way down my neck as fresh tears spilled down scarred cheeks.

There was only one problem . . . I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't remember how long I knelt there in the tomb-to-be with the sword blade pressed into my throat, not moving, trying to get my nerve up to end it all. But I couldn't.

I wasn't sure why, which was yet another thing to add to my list.

Why can't I do it? Am I afraid? Am I just weak? Why? My family, everything that means anything to me is gone, murdered for the sake of six pearls. I have nothing left. . . .

No more waiting. My body stiffened. Gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes and took what I knew would be my final breath. I gripped the hilt in a white-knuckled paw and prepared to jerk the blade to the side.

In the same instant, it felt as though somebeast gave me a violent physical shake. Opening my eyes, I froze, dropping the blade from my throat. . .

The near-translucent figure of Lutra, my father, stood before me, as handsome as he had been in life, the light of love shining in his eyes. I heard his voice.

"Grath . . . you're my daughter, my youngest cub. . . . don't do this."

I must be hallucinating! My voice rose, edged with grief and fury. "Why shouldn't I?!"

"You alone survive. You alone must carry this burden." It felt as though a strong pair of paws embraced me. "You're the best archer in our family. Live for us, Grath. Avenge us all."

His words burned into my mind. I let the blade fall from my paws as I stared at him through tears. A look of renewed determination spread across my face; I knew what I was going to do. As I shouldered my quiver of green-fletched arrows, my father smiled at me and reached as though to touch my paw.

I tried to close my paw around his and failed. "I wi-will. I promise," I sobbed. "I lo-love you!"


Lutra faded away slowly, but I heard his last words echoing in my mind.


"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your paw through all of these years

And you still have

All of me."


FIN

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