== Lupin goes wild
Lupin, son of Cluny the Scourge goes crazy when he finds out Lady Gaga is more famous than he is. Based off a YouTube video and has NOTHING to do with Jewel of Malkariss or anything else Redwall-related. Oneshot.
== Lupin the Deadly, a 35-year-old searat and son of Cluny the Scourge paced his tent. The warlord was tense. Lupin’s commanding officer, Redtail, an otter, used a cuestick and pointed to various places on a map. “General Lupin sir, we have uploaded anymous proxy protection, here, here and here.” He pointed to the regions of Aggahar and Scraggway. Their two most vital allying lands. “With the continued cooperation of our allies, Charlie bit my finger will remain the most-watched video on YouTube.” Redtail bowed and took his seat. “Good.” Lupin fiddled his sword hilt. “The last thing I want is some female singer taking the number one spotlight again like…. Ew. Beyonce.” Redtail nervously stood up and bowed before Lupin. “My furher.” He pronounced solemnly. “Lady Gaga…. Her single Bad Romance just became the #1 most watched video of all time.” Redtail retreated back to his seat again. He added “She has over 302 million views and counting.” Lupin sat there for a very long time before saying “Anyone who does not have a YouTube account leave at once.” All but three officers left, among them Redtail. “HOW THE HELL IS SHE SO POPULAR?!?!?” Lupin roared, his barbed tail swinging madly about the room. “I don’t care if she’s an international superstar! Charlie bit my finger is as cute as hell! THAT SHIT SUCKS!” “I…. I was able to delete Avril Lavigne’s song, ‘when you’re gone’ so none of this will ever happen again Chief.” Redtail offered meekly. He saluted his leader. He’d brought a large crowd of animals with him. “GODAMNIT!” Lupin screamed. “I spent five million ducats hiring you animals to hit refresh nonstop on Charlie bit my finger! 8 hours a day, 7 days a week they would hit refresh. Those idiots found that crap adorable! It was even better then when my father first FILMED Charlie bit my finger!” Lupin’s other officer, Zacharias, a stoat came forward. “Sir, we didn’t expect her to have such a powerful fanbase.” Lupin only screamed in his face “YOU ARE A FAILURE, ZACHARIAS! You hired a bunch of middle-aged females who believe that the email inbox stops working when the computer is off! And everyone is celebrating! They are saying ‘god, she is fucking awesome, unlike that stupid eurotrash kid who got bit’” Seething with rage, Lupin paced madly before his assembled army. “It took us TWO YEARS to accomplish what my father could not! TWO YEARS to become number one, as he had so desired. Then bad romance comes and steals it in five months?!?!? I will even admit that Telephone was a little kickass but you know what??!?! WE OVERCAME ALL OBSTICALES TO BECOME THE BEST! Even the redwallers admitted we were untouchable! If I see Lady Gaga I will whip her face and throw her off this cliff!” Suddenly the rat stopped pacing. “What’s so damn remarkable about this is that Alejandro is my favorite song! It makes me so hyper I want to dance!” Everyone gasped. They all knew how appallingly bad their chief’s dancing was. “….Why does she insist on becoming the next Beyonce?!” A female skunk stepped forward, weeping. “It’s okay.” She sobbed. “Charlie bit my finger auto-tuned was better than the original….” She collapsed in a fit of tears. Lupin finally stood up. “I’ll be honest with everyone.” He said. “There is a song on YouTube that is honest about me….. Animal I have Become by Three Days Grace.” Lupin walked out, saying “That reminds me of the time when I broke my father’s computer….”
Lupin, who was only six then screamed “I AM THE CHAMPION! I made it to level 1,000 on Pac-Man!” He squinted at the screen. “Oh crud, not now!! NOO!!!!!!! I got eaten! MY LAST LIFE!!!!! I HATE PAC-MAN!!!!!!!!!!!” He took his father’s letter opener and threw it at the computer monitor until it shattered.
MEANWHILE IN CLUNY’S TENT…..
“So here is our plan so far.” Said Cluny, showing his second-in-command, Cheesethief, a map of Mossflower. “Since our last plan was to say the least, a bit of a fiasco, I will make sure we will not fail this time.” He stood up. “DO YOU HEAR ME, REDWALLERS?!??!” A faraway voice sounded “We do now!” “This time, I will get your silly tapestry AND the abbey will be mine! ALL MINE!!!” Cluny collapsed, laughing like a hyena into his chair. Cheesethief stepped over to him. “For a review, here’s our plan. There are approximately one hundred creatures living in Redwall. If we surround the outside and shoot the abbey full of flaming arrows, the redwallers may not surrender, however they will be terminated in under an hour.” Cluny waved Cheesethief away. “Excellent. I’ll put a reminder on my computer in a word doc.” Suddenly, Cheesethief began to get edgy. “Your scourgeness.” He said gravely. “Your son Lupin wrecked your computer while playing Pac-Man. It is destroyed beyond repair.” Cluny blinked before saying “The following rats, stay here: Redtooth, Fangburn and Frogblood. Cheesethief, you deal with Lupin.” “Yes, sir.” Cheesethief saluted and left the room. When they were gone, Cluny screamed “THAT LITTLE MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” It was the shout heard ‘round Mossflower. At Redwall, Matthias was helping Cornflower hang the laundry out to dry. He nudged her. “You hear something?” Cornflower shrugged. “I don’t think so. Maybe.” Back at Cluny’s camp, Cluny began raging. “I’m so sick of him screaming over that game!!! This is the fifth replacement computer we’ve had to buy this year! He broke his wii, he broke his xbox…. He even broke his PlayStation! He even broke my flat-screen, high-definition TV!!!!” He got up. “I WISH I NEVER MET LILITH IN THE FIRST PLACE!” “Now Chief, I think that’s taking it a little bit too far.” Said Fangburn, nudging his chief. “And besides, I thought you liked her!” Cluny just sighed. “I did. But now I’m not so sure! And besides! He broke my damned computer for the fifth time!!!! If there’s a repeat, I’m sending him to Lilith!” Redtooth came forward now, too. “Your Majesty, we can always raise your son.” “To hellgates you will…” Cluny murmured, looking at his Redwall map. “I can’t believe this is actually happened. When Lupin was three and four, he was always with me. I even made him is own tail-spike, I cared so much. Now he’s so lazy he doesn’t even WATCH any of our battles and raids, let alone participate. I always wanted Lupin to be just like me when he grew up. I know he will be someday. But he’s been acting just like Lilith lately!” Cluny sighed. “Lupin is my son. I love him. I do. And besides. He always hung out with us when he was little!” Cluny turned to his officers. “I want you to imprison Lupin in a fifty-by-fifty hall closet until he’s learned his lesson.” “But Chief, we don’t have a hall closet!” Frogblood protested. “THEN BUILD ONE!!!!” Cluny exited the tent. “And Fangburn!” “Yes?” “Be sure to tell my son I love him want to have his life back when he’s in that closet. You are now dismissed.”
Lupin sighed with pleasure. “Yes, I always loved my dear old dad. Even if I did wreck his keyboard.”